Shameless Entertainment

Sequence This

Okay, this thing a perfect way to avoid work.

Retentive Dreams

Last night I took some sleeping pills and dozed off with the tv remote and some lube lying next to me. When I woke I couldn't find the remote, but everytime I fart the home shopping network comes on.

Baby Steps

This shopping cart represents my friend's attempt at "slowly" reducing his sugar intake. Glucerna is clinically proven to reduce blood sugar!

Rim Around the Rosey

What is it they say about idle hands? Well, in an effort for art, I agreed to pose for a visiting photographer who's doing a series he calls "inappropriate behavior." Naturally, I was immediately intrigued and I find the result hysterical. If you don't want to see me with my pants down doing something horribly inappropriate in public... don't go here.

Mama Shear and Baby Shear

Munny

For my birthday Greg went to KidRobot and bought me a glowing Munny figure.

He comes with 4 "secret" accessories. Mine came with goggles, a sword, a spray can and... a cape! This Munny is ready for his superhero spotlight.

The idea is to decorate your near featureless Munny with crayons, markers, stickers and paint. But I'm loving my amorphous superhero too much to change him one bit.

He currently sits on a dresser in the bedroom glowing valiantly as I head off to sleep, protecting me from the evil that lurks under the shadow of darkness.

Meaning According to the Gays

Decoding things in the gay community is rather simple. Anything and everything relates to getting laid.

"I'm not a scene kind of guy" means "I desperately need to get laid and have created a whole justification system for why I haven't gotten laid."

"I have no plans tonight" means "I want to get laid right now. Do you happen to have any lube with you right now?"

"I'm happy with where I'm at in life" means "I just got laid, but would consider getting laid again given the right offer. Are you the right offer?"

The Sensitive Type

Me: Well, I do have to say that I'm 300% ga-ga over a tough, hard-edge, ultra-masculine guy that shows a hint of sensitivity. A lot of my photography tries to capture that duality.

Sam: like a big hulking dude holding a kitten?
Sam: awww

Me: No. That's just freaky hallmark shit. First he's gotta crush the kitten then show some sign of remorse.

Sam: now that's just plain hot

Up In Her Business

A good friend of mine is an E.R. doctor. She copied this from a patient's chart...

"Patient states there is a 'spirit' in her vagina since 10pm. Denies foreign body. They came straight from church. Patient can't sit still."

Frozen

Ok, who's going to do this with me?

Confidence

"Every morning when I get up I look in the mirror and say, 'I like you. And if I weren't you, I'd want to be your best friend.'"

Ghiz

Maritess vs. The Superfriends

Maritess confesses that the Superfriends aren't what they seem.

Anchor's Away

It's things like this that make me miss my family and all the crazy things we did growing up. My brother John and two of his girls dare to do the impossible.

This kind of craziness isn't something you're born with, it's earned through years of hard work, boredom and hitting your head repeatedly on hard, blunt objects. John, for this kind of craziness, I salute you. Who said cardboard had limited uses?

Pink Prank Project

Anyone going out of town soon?

// my personal research assistant: Valette //

It's Not Multiple Choice

"Do these pants make me look fat?" There's only one answer to that question. Whether it's a lie or the truth, the answer is always "no" or if you're really good: "if you ask me, those pants are lucky to have the priviledge of touching your beautiful body."

Let My People Go

Damn. I left my glasses there too...

keep reading...

It's Just a Child!

I called Mike to let him know I left my belt at his place. He threatened to do evil things to my belt unless I did exactly as he said. I tried to call his bluff, but it was when I received the following in my e-mail that I realized he couldn't be more serious...

keep reading...

For Your Lady Friend

Wash your ass. Not safe for anyone who, well, doesn't have a twisted sense of humor.

Dancing Fame

Here's the scandalous missing Folsom Street Fair footage that Valette was hoping I'd lost.

Prescription to a Better You

Experience the freedom to be the person you've always known you could be.

// my personal research assistant: Jay //

Take It All Off

Undress her with more than just your eyes...

FOAK This

Fraternal Order of Ass Kickers (FOAK)
"Got ass? We got the boot to fit it."

Friendship Prayer

"May the fleas of a thousand camels infest the crotch of the person who screws up your day and may their arms be too short to scratch. Amen."

// my personal research assistant: Becky //

When Queers Write Lyrics

Cuz you're filthy
Oooh, and I'm gorgeous
Cuz you're filthy
Oooh, and I'm gorgeous
You're disgusting
Oooh, and you're nasty
And you can grab me
Oooh cuz you're nasty
- Filthy/Gorgeous by Scissor Sisters

Looks like an average weekend to me...

Because I'm Crazy Like That

Heroine was my gateway drug. That quickly progressed to an even stronger addiction to rehab centers and now they dictate my life. I went to A.A. and CoDa and several other well-meaning groups to break the hold this addiction has over me. Sure I've gotten tons of attendance awards and have been lauded for being free of pot, but oddly enough the addiction is as strong as ever. What do I do? - Rehab Junkie in Petaluma

The Sisters

The Russian River order of the Sisters of Perpetual Indulgence and a few members from other orders were gracious enough to lead a fundraising bingo event during the Lazy Bear Weekend. Here are a few of those humble servants:

Sister Barbi Mitzvah emceed Bingo during Lazy Bear Weekend sporting the latest in Jewish fashion. Word of warning: don't cross Sister Barbi or she'll gleefully dream up some form of "additional fundraising" which will most likely involve dropping your drawers in front of the entire room and letting some "friend" with money take a paddle to your ass. Sister Barbi has been called a bit on the crazy side, but for the life of me I couldn't tell you why.

Sister Frances A. Sissy and Sister Sparkle Plenty were the life of the party and made sure all the diligent bingo players were sticking to the rules. Their sweet demeanors would swiftly carry their feet to Sister Barbi if anyone might almost nearly not quite follow an unwritten rule.

Sister Lily White Superior Posterior glowed with calmness and grace when she "pulled balls" (this is Bingo after all) with Sister Uma Gawd who was unavailable for a photo at the time of press.

I was shocked to learn that Sister Nova Nilla and Sister Jezabelle were indeed men in drag. They make such convincing women after all. Donna Matrix, on the other hand, was caught getting into the red markers again. And here I thought those were secured with a "queer proof" cap.

Sister Ida Claire, Father Nealan B. Blest and many others from the order were there making this sanctimonious event a true blessing for all.

Where In the World Has My Willy Gone

Because, what, gay men can be so forgetful? I mock righteous indignation in their general direction.

Señor Snacks

"Man snacks. Now in Hispanic flavor!"

Ooooooh, Pretty!

"I sprinkle diamonds on everything I eat. It makes my dookie twinkle." - Dave Chappelle

Let Me Borrow That Top!

Kelly likes shoes and I'd venture to guess she likes several other things that are much less wholesome. Whatever the case, s/he's got some hella funny songs. They're quite vulgar which means my mom will want to just surf right on by while my sister will want to play them over and over again... and then buy the t-shirt. *smooch*

Insert Hose Here

An old timer's view on a neighboring town:

"I hate Stockton. If the Good Lord wanted to give the world an enema, that's where he'd stick the hose."

Little Britain

Ok, Jay is going to disown me for just now discovering this, but this last weekend I watched Little Britain for the first time. Damn, that is funny shit. Funny because it's so off the wall and horrifying. The grandmother infatuation nearly had me tossing my cookies, yet I loved that the series was so bold as to go there. Daffyd "The Only Gay in the Village" is disturbingly funny, particularly in his choice of attire. Lou and Andy are just creepy and make so little sense that you've gotta love them ("I want that one!"). The show is not always brilliant or even always clever, but it is all a very good laugh. Watch it now and weep.

Diversity Department

The department in which I work is perfectly situated to be the latest sitcom. We have the single mother in her 40s who lives with her parents, the young Fillipino guy who comments on the oddities of the English language, the skater punk supervisor with tattoos for days, the comic geek lacking social skills who wears too much cologne, the older hispanic woman who serves as the mother to the department and, of course, the token gay who thinks the world revolves around him (cuz, well, it does).

Geriatric Twist

Those fags sure do make some interesting things with balloons. (Heidi, this one's for you).

I Am a Sunbeam

"Inspirational stuff just pisses me off."

Working with fellow bitter and jaded folk is cause for constant amusement.

Chat Addiction Moment #421

damon: um... you hang out with my sister (re: embarassment in public)

steve: Your sister is in Fairbanks, that's a long way to be embarassing by.
steve: And besides, when she's in town, I don't go anywhere with her where people might know me.

damon: Ah, smart man. I had to move to CA to avoid the embarassment.

steve: I often wondered if that were the case.
steve: She talks about how much fun the two of you have in public, but I knew she wasn't telling the whole truth.

damon: Nah. That whole laughing my ass off until my sides hurt thing... it was a mask for the pain I felt inside.

Roasted Weiner

My next camping trip will definitely require this gadget for my roasting amusement.

We Got the Tools for the Job

When people grab pages from the printer at work they call out the customer name or the heading of an ad to give the print to the designer who's working on that ad. The other day, a coworker started listing through the prints in her hand. After she got to "Bobby Back Hoe" we all burst into fits of laughter. I'm sorry, but that's a porn name if I've ever heard one.

Not Getting Enough Attention

Yesterday in the second act of Kiss Me Kate, my conducting baton caught the edge of my stand and went flying on stage in this huge arc which is basically to say "Look at me! Look at me!" I continued to conduct and the orchestra continued to play while we all tried to stiffle an avalanche of sniggering. On next black out the stage crew cleared my baton off stage and I conducted the rest of the show with a pencil. The only saving grace of this moment of acrobatic baton twirling is that it didn't fly into the audience and skewer some blue haired granny.

Put Your Stuff Away

This is just so wrong.

I'm With Stupid

The Pet Shop Boys and Little Britain make me snigger.

// my personal research assistant: Jay //

Deep Moisturizing Treatment

For some reason the advertiser felt it necessary to correct a typo on the word "lips." Hm.

"One Hour Body Massage with moisturizing tips treatment"

Things I Overhear

"I don't have any idea where to stick this plug in."

"You're Invited to a Private Party"

Below is the list of features in an ad I'm creating. What age range do you think this place is for?

Extreme Fun Zone
Separate Party Rooms
Indoor Climate Controlled Play Arena
Great Sound System
Huge Inflatables

A More Satisfied Tomorrow

This alarm clock is purely orgasmic.

Showcase Your Assets

The spirit is willing, but the flesh is so photogenic.

Jenzilla

Mom, Jennifer's eating my computer!

Deal Breakers

"It's not that you're unkind, it's that you're unimpressive."

Whoop That Fat

"Tae Kwon Do
Self Defense Against Obesity!"

Five words: English as a second language.

Monk-e-mail

Out of the mind of a twisted blogger into the mouth of a rather hairy little hip hopper: word.

Lady Justice

I know that justice is blind, but does it have to be showing so much tata?

I So Don't Want to Know

Overheard comments which are best ignored:

Male 1: "Hey there."
Male 2: "Hey. Did you touch it yet?"

Then they walked out of hearing range...

Betrayal

Alexis walked in the room and found that Frank had been fraternizing with the enema.

Gimme Spotlight or Gimme Death

Blogs don't authorize opinions. It's more like handing an annoying man a megaphone so the whole world can hear his high pitched delusions of grandeur.

Stylin'

A combover worthy of a photo. Katoomba, Australia.

Cosmic Justice

Mike (grumpy and groggy): "Man, why do some people just have to be morning people?"

Damon: "Because in this world evil must exist to balance the good."

Reminds Me of My Youth

During the rousing give of your tithes speech on Sunday the woman said, "Give to God and he will reward you unremarkably." Suprisingly that comment sent me into a fit of coughs which sounded oddly like sniggering. Hm.

Just a Simple Question

"Don't ya' wish your girlfriend was a freak like me?"

Push

What's this place's speciality, constipation?

Your Thighs are Like Crisco

There's a fitness center in Manteca, CA called "Slender Lady of Manteca." The only snag with that name... in Spanish Manteca means "lard."

New Political Movement?

Things you hear at choir rehearsal: "Diction for Forward Motion"

Heave

Life's a roller coaster
and I've had too much cotton candy.

I So Want to Work With These People

From a job notice for a graphic designer:

"If you can create a website, you may have a job here. But you will be required to prove your skills. If you are pretending - using monster templates and passing them off as your own - you will be embarrased. We will chase you into the parking lot and give you a wedgie and post the photos on BoFunk. Double Viking style."

Tasty

I made Curt pose with this street-side manequin in Napier, New Zealand. We bought his sunglasses in Rotorua with a savy salesperson who told him they made him look like a "sexy sugar daddy." Who wouldn't pay good money for that kind of label? She was drooling all over him as she helped him find just the right pair. But I'm the one who got to go home with the "sexy sugar daddy."

What a Combination

A store sign in Wellington, New Zealand: "Lingerie and surgical specialist."

Travel Rug

As we were preparing to land in Auckland the flight crew instructed the passengers to put away our pillows and "travel rugs." I looked around expecting to see numerous gleaming headed males as they swapped out their toupees reserved especially for flying and donned their 'daily wear rugs.'

Stayin' Alive

Little did we know when we made our dinner plans in Auckland that it would be Bee Gees night at Lord Nelson's steak house and pub.

I Ain't Dead Yet

Photo by an aquaintance of Curt, emphasis by yours truly.

Here's Your Sign

Someone has finally found a use for all those road signs you stole in high school.

Tuned Up

My new coworkers love to listen to music while they work. Since we are all working in a circular configuration (with our backs toward the center) we have one computer streaming online radio that varies from retro to celtic to modern hits. This morning was a trip back to the 80s.

At my first interview I was dressed up like a million dollar trouper, trying hard to look like Gary Cooper, but they told me that it was a pretty casual atmosphere which is awesome. At that interview I felt a little out of place in my dress shirt so in an effort of support they offered, "If you're blue and you don't know where to go to why don't you go where fashion sits? Puttin' on the ritz." I appreciated that and immediate felt like one of the gang.

After I found out they loved to listen to music, I knew that I had to work there. I seem to remember the interviewer gleefully chiming in, "Marconi plays the mamba, listen to the radio, don�t you remember: we built this city, we built this city on rock and roll." I have yet to meet Marconi but anyone who plays the mamba is okay by me.

I was a bit concerned that I may not have the notoriaty to work at such a large paper, but they assured me, "You don't need money, don't take fame, don't need no credit card to ride this train." I was relieved though getting a bit weirded out with the little rhyming way everyone was talking.

They did have to warn me about the editorial staff. I guess it's boredom city up there and I'm not to be put off by their gruff nature. First time you feel it, it might make you sad. Next time you feel it it might make you mad but then, I guess you just get used to it. I haven't encountered it yet, so we'll see.

It sounds like nights can be a bit freaky around there since that's when the presses get going and deadlines are at a critical. It�s close to midnight and something evil�s lurking in the dark. You think you've got a grasp on everything but all the while you hear the creature creepin� up behind, you�re out of time. �Cause this is thriller, thriller night. Let's just say that I'm glad I work an early shift.

Fortunately I survived the day and didn't have any of that 80s music stick with me after I left the office...

They Couldn't Be Doing Something Else?

Ethnic Men Shaving. Now there's a fetish you don't hear about every day.

Fluffy Bunny

Save Toby. That's all I have to say about that.

Swish

The sidewalk cement is glittery at night. Can we make it any more obvious that San Francisco is the land of 'orientationally challenged?'

Service with a Smile

I had no idea getting fitted for a tux could be such a pleasurable experience. While my encounter wasn't with an Eastern European woman, the patting, poking, and all around manhandling left me feeling quite flushed. I do have to say, however, I was disappointed that the store representative wasn't more obliging with the simple requests I made, directives such as, "move a little lower," "measure more vigorously," "don't stop, don't stop, don't stop..." You know, the standard things. Ah well, perhaps I can expect more cooperative customer service in my second fitting. One can only hope.

Songs to Wake You Up

The workers arrived early this morning to install the new countertops. They turned on the radio and began their prep work to the ever loved classic Axel F.

The link is just because I know Lynne hasn't seen enough of that little guy.

Plumbed Like a Male

Me fix drippin' faucet. Feel big heap'em macho. Ugh.

Dr. Evil

"Are those fricken' sharks with fricken' laser beams attached to their fricken' heads?"

That's a Lotta Personality

To the tune of I've Got Rhythm:

I've got wiggle,
I've got jiggle,
I've got my girls
Who could ask for anything more!

He Just Doesn't Care Anymore

Curt is starring in Oliver! as Fagin, the semi-creepy, semi-charming guy who takes in stray kids and turns them into thieves. Come to think of it, Curt's appearance in that last photo are very similar to Fagin's. Curious. And to think he looked like this when I first met him. Sad when a guy lets himself go like that.

A Face to Make a Mother Proud

Below is a photo I took of Curt just last night. Isn't he dreamy?

Scottie Don't

"Glad to know we are sprekenzy the same lingily."

Balzac

Valette: how'd you like to have the outer skin of your ball sack surgically removed?
Damon: Gee, let me think...
Valette: ...?
Damon: The jury says no on that one. It was unanimous.

Hit and Run

My temp job ended Friday and I couldn't be more happy. I mean a guy can only expect to be all mature and self-actualizing for so long before he's just gotta break down and say: truckers are sissies and warehouses are for numbnuts. If one is smart, one will be very far away from said truckers and warehouse before one says such a thing...

As I Always Say

"slather lotion like a lizard carnival"

Smooth

"The security guys are checking the length of your reefer. Don't worry about it. It's a standard screening."

I had no idea I worked at such a progressive shipping company...

Stating the Obvious

"sordid galoshes stagger beneath a luscious goddess"

Will This Hurt Your Colon?

Nothing like a little comma sutra to spice up your punctuation.

Irony Lost

A photo I wish I had gotten...

On the deck of a small espresso shop in Homer there is a little group of kids chairs with a small table. On the railing right behind this grouping... two well-used ash trays.

Four Legged Accessories

Get it now, while supplies last! This item is going fast. Join the legions of people who are stepping out in style. Buy the PuppyPurse today!!!

Darned Thing Keeps Breaking

It's not that rednecks don't have springform pans. They just use them for things like making cement doorstops.

Majora on the Minora

Another photo in my continual quest to prove there are female symbols in the world.

Sentiment

"Some people are like Slinkies. They're really not good for anything, but they still bring a smile to your face when you push them down a flight of stairs."

A Year's Supply of Pringles

It's been well over a year since I've eaten Pringles - a former love affair - because they make my gastrointestinal community beg for the mercy of being ripping from my body without anesthesia. Still, seeing the subject line, "a year's supply of Pringles" in a spam e-mail made me salivate with gluttonous abandon. In a miraculous feat of courage, I was able to resist the urge to open up the e-mail. I'm still regretting that decision...

Homer-ese

"I'm sleepy. I just didn't want you to think I'm stoned."

Ah, the things that must be clarified in a town like Homer (otherwise known at the pot capital of Alaska).

What a Strong Little Lad

My godson, Mario, is 6 years old. Like any healthy little boy he gets the occasional erection. Whenever he gets one he goes to his mom, raises a clenched fist and loudly declares, "my penis is strong!!"

He Already Took My Nuts

OMG. You'll never guess who just wandered into my office. A squirrel. No joke. Our outside doors are open to cool down the building. I was just sitting here at my work computer and saw a squirrel surry into my office, look at me with terror and scurry back out. He ran around the gallery outside my office for a bit before scooting out the back door. I desperately wanted to cuddle him, but you know how you sometimes get a vibe from someone that they aren't interested in anything but getting the hell away from you? Yeah, that's kinda the vibe I got from him. Kinda hurt my feelings. I mean have I lost my charm and good looks this early in life??

I Like to Think of it as Organic Productivity

The following is inspired by an actual conversation (which is to say that this is a completely bastardized and paraphrased quote and shouldn't be considered an actual conversation that happened anywhere but in my head):

Damon: I actually have to work today. Like, the *entire* time I'm getting paid!

Tuck: Some of us have to work all the time we're getting paid.

D: !!! Are you serious? I couldn't live with that. It's just not right.

T: Well, you're an inspiration to the rest of corporate America.

D: See. It's like I'm a martyr.

Welcome to the Zoo

At 6:30 a.m. on June 28, a moose checked itself into the emergency room area at Alaska Regional Hospital. It walked through a motion-activated door near the emergency room and meandered down the hallway. The moose soon exited, but not before it was caught on video by a hospital security camera and a resident doctor.

Just a Boy in a Dress

"While the idea of my dangly bits dangling in the breeze is appealing, I'm not so sure I'm up for the whole kilt experience."

Precious Gems

He just walked away. He took my nuts and scampered off without so much as a backward glance. It's not like I didn't give him access to the goods, but I certainly didn't expect him to gather them in his greedy paws and zip out the door. I had big plans for those tiny nuts. Bastard little squirrel.

Stay happy

Kids will do the darndest things. I'm thinking this was during my infatuation with Sheri phase...

Say it isn't so

"The rabid weasel with the squeegee stole my pants."

Melodrama Much?

While multi-tasking as usual, Quickbooks gave me the following message:

Memory is seriously low. Close Quickbooks now, while you still have the chance.

Ditty of the day

The hiiiiills are alive. With the sound of muuuusic...

Thank you. I'll be here all week.

Poster child

By boss and I bitch back and forth all the time. We harass each other and are always laughing about something. Today we received a training workshop flyer for "Dealing with Difficult People." After quite a hefty bitch rant on my part, my boss handed the flyer back to me and said she signed me up as exhibit A.

Flippin' sweet

Dance Napoleon, dance! You too can be this cool.

// my personal research assistant: Valette //

Do not attempt this at home

I, Dah-moan the Great, have made it across this entire week without the assistance of wires or a safety net. The appropriate awe and applause will now be accepted.

Quite the charmer

When chatting with someone in Florida and making a comment that they are on the opposite corner of the country... if they were to respond "You're welcome on my face any time." would it be safe to assume that all they want is sex? Yeah? Just checking.

Best of intentions

Through the power of positive thinking I will change this creepy ass day into a golden ray of sunshine. I will not dwell on the daunting pile of paperwork on my desk nor the boss who gleefully contributes to said pile. Instead I will imagine a rainbow of happiness circling over my head, showering me with light. I will tune out the droaning, sniveling voice of the office-assistant-of-doom and open my ears to hear the melodious incantations of mother earth...

<cracks open tightly shut eyes> Is it working? Cuz, I'm sooooo not continuing this touchy-feely crap if it's not making my mood a hell of a lot better. Postive thinking, my eye! I'll show you where you can put that rainbow of happiness...

I'll take three

Ah, the blessed Subway chocolate chip cookie. How I love you so. Your evil meddling in my stomach will never sway my affection for your moist, sensual goodness. Your softened dark morsels beckon me in my waking thoughts and taunt me in my dreams. Why do you torture me so? My inner self denies your goodness, tries to sway me toward the path of health. I pay it no heed. I only have eyes for you my sweet little handful of lust.

Just a little Beethoven

Prior to my concert I was standing in the lobby greeting people. One elderly lady came and asked the type of music I played. I told her it was meditative piano improvisation.

"Do you play any jazz?"

"Well... there are some jazz influences in what I play, but I don't really play jazz, no."

"How about any classical?"

"No... I did study classical music when I got my degree, but tonight is all improvisational music."

"Could you just play a little Beethoven?"

"Tonight will be focused on new age improvisation."

"Come on. You need to spice things up a little. Play just a little Beethoven or maybe some jazz."

"<heh> ... Not tonight."

"Well, I don't want to fall asleep. Forget that meditative crap and play something more interesting."

"..."

Yes Mom

Axe murdering: it's all fun and games and someone pokes an eye out.

Diarrhea of the mouth

My sis posted a bit of conversational fun from the weekend. Makes me sounds like a psychotic freak (is it wrong that I'm so very proud of that fact?).

My week

Tulips and lilies and little annoying tales,
Ice tea and sandals and persistent sea snails.
Blisters that come from joys too intense,
And meals hand delivered with small chocolate mints.
Lazy days at the office when chores are all done,
And a cozy wee cabin rounds out all the fun.
On the morrow it fades with a boss who appears,
And an unwelcomed departure of someone most dear.

Prop me up

I had the brilliant notion to join a friend for his regular gym workout on Saturday. It was pecs, triceps and abs day.

The fact that I can no longer lift my arms above stomach level is a decent indication that I went a tad too far in my first weight workout in years. The fact that I can no longer wear pullover shirts, style my hair or carry a stapler without fits of whimpering is a constant reality check that one should take these things slowly. Putting on clothing brings me near tears and I'm faced with the same problem when it comes time to take them off at night. I'm seriously considering just wearing this set of clothes for the rest of the week.

With such a kick ass, tough-as-nails workout I'd feel like a total stud if I weren't spending so much time whining like a girl.

Work ethic

When I tell callers that my boss is on vacation for two weeks they actually expect me to help them. What I'm going to start doing is telling them she's stepped out for a few and will call them back. "No, she doesn't need your name and phone number. She's psychic. And if she doesn't call you back it's because she knows what you do for private entertainment on the weekends... Have a good day!"

White Pages

"Fantasies in Fiberglass: Aquatic Taxidermy" in Sterling Alaska

I wouldn't really say it's a problem

Sugar withdrawls leave me feeling exhausted and grumpy. My solution: never stop eating sugar.

Doh!

Looks to me like they provide services I wouldn't want for my kids...

A whole lots of nuts

The art instructor for our kids classes told me this today, "don't touch my man parts." This statement was fairly odd considering every indication is that this instructor is a woman. I mean "Renee" can be a guys name, but the hair, makeup and blouses seemed to indicate the female gender as did the curvy hips and breasts...

Turns out she has a table full of nuts, bolts, screws, washers, etc. all clean and drying on the back table.

What else?

They were talking about Canadian Borg, of course. Geesh.

// my personal research assistant: Bill //

Saying it like it is

A homeless man on the street corner in Anchorage carried this cardboard sign:

"Homeless man needs rich woman."

Shiny!

I just got back on the short flight from Anchorage. I sat right next to the main door on this small little plane, right next to the little lever that said "pull up to open door," my restless hands mere inches from that oh so delicious looking handle. Surely just a little tug wouldn't hurt anything...

Queer Eye for the Straight Home

Homo Depot
We've got the tools to transform your house into a homo.

It's all in the dye

My boss is a natural redhead as are her two kids and her husband. We swap redheaded jokes all the time...

Boss: "I can't believe I forgot that. I guess this redhead was having a blonde moment."

Damon: "Wow, blonde huh? That's an upgrade."

Happy womb exiting

Transcripts from Thursday, 2/24/05, 9:22pm

damon: I'm helping Sean celebrate his birthday tomorrow night.

valette: fun!

damon: should be, though he's an attention slut too which means I have to let him steal my spotlight all freakin' evening.

valette: i hate it when people do that, like they think everything is about them

damon: I know. I mean it's only the day of his birth after all.

valette: and what makes him so special? what did he do to facilitate his birth?

damon: my point exactly!

---------------

Happy Birthday Sean

Did you hear that one about...

A Greek and Italian were sitting down one day debating who had the superior culture.
The Greek says, "We have the Parthenon".
The Italian says, "We have the Coliseum".
The Greek says, "We had great Mathematicians".
The Italian says, "We had the Roman Empire".
and so on and so on and then the Greek says, "We invented sex".
The Italian says, "That is true, but it was the Italians who introduced it to women".

Urgent reply needed

Just got an e-mail from a "dildolicious." Spam perhaps?

A northern exposure moment

A young moose just sauntered up the sidewalk outside my office and crossed the road into the community college parking lot.

Adventures-R-Us

Tomorrow I'm going snowshoeing with Charlie and some of his friends. I've never done it before. I feel so Alaskan, so rugged, so 'frontiersman'...

Oh... my... god...

What am I doing?! I'm totally gonna fall on my face and end up huddled under some pine tree wondering where they've hidden all the malls...

Snobbery perfected

Transcripts from Thursday, 2/24/04, 9:14pm

damon: I'm amazed at the social skills that I've blossomed since being on my own. I'm actually enjoying getting to know new people now and even can do the schmoozing thing <gasp>

valette: is that really a good thing? because i really look down on you for that

damon: well, I'll look down on you for looking down on me and we'll call it even.

valette: sounds good

Grizzly Adams in the buff

Guess what I discovered today? Sexy Men of Homer, a sort of Calendar Girls knockoff. It's a scary look at the grungy, grizzly guys of Homer, Alaska. These are calendars created as fundraisers for the local family planning clinic. I found it hysterical and delightful that this small, relatively conservative town put together something like this. When purchasing all 3 years of this endeavor it came up that I was a graphic designer and I was asked to layout out next year's edition. What a fun and daring project to work on. Besides... I really don't like how the calendars were laid out in the past and would love to do it right.

Men say the darndest things

When chatting with another guy this afternoon... "If crying is a sign of being a pussy... then I'm a lesbian through a through."

Scrambled or fried?

joat just posted a funny. Go on. You know you want to look.

P.A. envy

A friend of mine is into piercings (hi Sean). I've started learning the lingo and as such I've come to associate the abbreviation "P.A." with an extra special type of piercing. You can imagine my surprise when a gentleman came into my office yesterday asking if he could bring his "P.A." into the gallery and set it next to the wall...

After my snickers died down I instructed him to place the portable sound system wherever he wanted.

---------------
Btw, unless you work in a porn factory... there's a photo on the above link that's definitley not something you want your boss to catch you looking at...

Some piercings are sexist

Studies show that boys should never pierce their labia.

// my personal research assistant: valette //

Caricatures revisited

A few days ago I mentioned a sweet avatar design site to my friend Roc. He asked me to whip up an amusing likeness of him. I had forgotten how fun that generator really was.

badass roc (otherwise known as everyday roc)

geriatric roc (otherwise known as trying-to-be-way-too-cool-for-his-age roc)

Sweet moves

Napoleon says you should buy his movie.

The trials of winter

Joat's most recent post highlights a hysterical commercial. Check it out.

Metro-huh?

I'm a bit of a metrosexual (no big shocker there) and walking around Homer (the carhart and anti-bathing capital of the world) gains me lots of curious stares. I can just imagine the muttered conversations...

"What's wrong with that boy, Martha? Is he one of them there circus freaks?"
"Floyd, it's called fashion sense. Don't stare dear."

Deep sentiment

On a homemade bumper sticker:

Buck Fush

Last minute Christmas idea

Ode to a Sharpie

In an array of tones
you boldly do your task.

Through thick or thin
you trudge your way through an existence
wrought with unexpected bends and gleaming surfaces.

Your purpose is clear,
your mission undeniable.

Make your mark on this world
and as you go, leave none to question.

Sharpie has left the building.

Cuz I'm so filled with holiday spirit

Office Memo

In our continual effort to strive for the lowest possible productivity and the absolutely highest in annoyance... all news articles and edits will be submitted to production via Etch-a-Sketch from now on. The reporter who suffers from Parkinson's disease will not be exempt from this new policy. Thank you. --The Management

Scare Away Those Blues

This light helmet is supposed to help with depression. I'm sure it works. I mean, who'd wanna get depressed with that to look forward to.

There is even more innovative technology where that came from.

Male Boobies by Choice

Don't know what to get for the man who has everything? Give him gynecomastia through an elective medical procedure.

You Suck

Let's just say, for example, that I was talking to my mom and she was telling me a difficult truth that I didn't want to hear. And let's say, for the sake of argument, that I responded with "you suck." I might find that an amusing thing to tell my mother. My mother, on the other hand, might find that slightly offensive, quite jarring and not nearly as funny as I might have hoped. While she isn't clueless about what I really intended (cause she's a pretty hip momma) she did say she never expected to be told that by one of her children. Note to self: cynical, defensive, genX banter is not appreciated my your mother.

Admitting Defeat

I guess my secondary font challenge was a bit too difficult. Next time I'll try to make the challenge a little more accessible. Even the font goddess herself wasn't able to name those fonts. That's a true sign that it can't be done. So, I'll just tell ya what they were.

The first font was Gloo-Gun, a freeware font from Font-a-licious, a groovy font source.

The second font was Baby Kruffy, a freeware font that is also from Font-a-licious.

The fact that both fonts were from the same creator is an amusing coincidence. I just chose two fonts I liked - and that would be hard to guess - from my extensive font list. It seems I have quite a few fonts from Font-a-licious. I guess I like their fun, goofy, and irreverant fonts.

Wetness is the Essence of Beauty

Things you don't expect to hear from co-workers: "are you overly damp?" (a.k.a terrible foreplay dialogue).

Shake Them Hips

Does this disturb anyone else or is it just me?

Matters are Well in Hand

The new "self service" booths at the local supermarket have met with explosive success.

Feel Me Up

What are some of your favorite textures?

Victoria's True Secret

// my personal research assistant: valette //

Hand Puppet

For those who are interested, I found the official website of the Puppetry of the Penis. From the ~~bits~~, ~~parts~~, ~~segments~~, ~~footage~~, um... VIDEO PORTIONS I saw, the show is not in the least bit sexual. Complete flacidity is a requirement for all performers. It's really just like a bunch of grown boys who've first discovered their privates and decide it's be fun to fold them into hamburgers and snails and the lock ness monster... you know, that old routine. The performances are by no means a showcasing of the world's greatest penises. What I was saw was quite average. It's what they do with them there average members that's unique. I didn't find it all that disturbing, just very unnatural. I find it hard to believe that people pay money for these shows.

I Didn't Even Know That Was Possible

I watched some of "Real Sex" last night on HBO. They showed nude oil wrestling and penis sculpting. Now that's culture for you.

Naughty Thoughts

"...my sheaf rose and stood upright, while your sheaves gathered around mine and bowed down to it." (Genesis 37:7)

The Best Laid Plans

You know the hair that grows down the back of your neck? The stuff that you use trimmers to shave away so it doesn't look like the hair from your head is oozing it's way into the collar of your shirt? I hate that. Mine grows so quickly that I would have to trim it every few days to keep a clean neck line. Tonight I had the brilliant idea to wax that hair away. And by "brilliant" I of course mean one of the stupidest, poorly thought out ideas I have ever had. On my first yank I ended up with what appeared to be a carpet on the cloth strip. After the cursing and hopping around the bathroom stopped, it was clear that the density of hair in that area was far more than should be waxed. Of course at that point I'm waxed only one side and my vanity simply can't live with that... After more swearing, hopping, and grunting, my neck is very smooth and I'm guessing once the flaming red color dies down, it'll look pretty sharp. I'd like to say that I'll never do that again, but by the time it needs it again I will probably have forgotten how horrendously painful this was and say to myself, "Hey, I should wax my neck..."

No Freakin' Way

Smashmouth is coming to the Alaska State Fair in Palmer. No joke. This big name band is coming to Alaska on September 3rd and tickets are only $30.

Moving Company Seeks New Marketing Director

On a U-Haul sign in Fairbanks: "Move to California, get a free tank of gas."

Call It a Hunch

I have a sneaking suspicion that one must actually put the clothes in the washer for them to get clean. On the up side, the washer is spotless.

The Feminine Mystique

Now Rachel had taken the household gods and put them inside her camel's saddle and was sitting on them. Laban searched through everything in the tent but found nothing. Rachel said to her father, "Don't be angry, my lord, that I cannot stand up in your presence; I'm having my period." (Genesis 31:34-35 NIV)

Since the beginning of time women have been claiming "feminine problems" to get men to stop asking questions. And, since the beginning of time, men have gullibly responded, "eeewww."

Sounds Kinky to Me

"NMFS Muffs Math For Crab Buyback"
—Alaska Fisherman's Journal, Aug 2004

Serves Him Right

Danier Leather. That's just funny.

Appetizing

Man that sure looks like a turd in a basket.

Hare Ball

"I didn't lick the bunny's butt. Did you lick the bunny's butt?

"I think he licked the bunny's butt."

A conversation about our dog's fetish with k's stuffed bunny.

Messy Evil

"Baby doesn't care that she's got food all over her."

"That's because she doesn't know about good and evil yet."

Huh? Food on face=evil. Good to know.

Boom

"Cherry Bombs Distribution Company looking for 10 explosive fire crackers to blow up the Tri-Cities! No experience needed. Paid training. Call Whistling Pete."

This ad was in the classifieds today. No joke. Very amusing.

Come Again?

Cristian Stan has some rather amusing photography.

Yes Martha

And just in case you were starting to think I was a good little boy, valette provides a chat quote from yours truly to prove you wrong:

"i would rather have martha stewart don a revealing latex dominatrix outfit and teach me the ins and outs of subservience with nipple clamps"

Gay Plastic Surgeon

"...searching for an experienced Designer with practical application skills in the area of Packaging Design..."

Luxury for the Whole Family

Would this be called a stretch van or an extended cab suburban?

Eeeeew in Biblical Proportion

Me: eeeew. Sarah was Abraham?s half sister:
"Besides, she really is my sister, the daughter of my father though not of my mother; and she became my wife." (Genesis 20:12)

Valette: gross
guess they leave that part out in sunday school

Me: I?m wishing it had been left out completely. Now I feel dirty.

Valette: lol
why? tons of old testament people married their sisters. who do you think cain married? or seth?

Me: Shut up. This is like finding out that my parents had sex. I?m sure it?s true, but I don?t want to know.

Valette: your grandparents had sex, too

Me: You are an evil, evil person.

Boys and Their Toys

Men should really stop naming their appendages.

The Gurgling Woody

Sitting in my in-law's living room we heard a wet, gurgling sound. Mother-in-law smiled, pointed to her hubby and said, "It's just his woody." As my jaw hits the floor father-in-law pats the little medical bag he has to wear and says, "Yep. Sounds like Woody Woodpecker." Neither of them had a clue what it sounded like they were saying.

Just for the record: I never want to hear another reference to my father-in-law's "woody."

Creamy Cheese Sale

"Hatred is the spark the ignites the mind."

Superhero Chef's

Valette, this one's you:

Piggy Back?

This semi tractor had not one, but two other tractors riding it's back down the highway. It was a threeway, piggy backing line-up. I didn't know they could do that... especially not in public.

Try Dragging It

Click

// my personal research assistant: lynne //

Metaphysical

In the Tri-Cities yellow pages under the heading Churches - Metaphysical Christian:

"Sunday Morning Service - 10:00ish"

Paul van Dyk: Crush

This is a very engaging little music video. It's as if the music, which is excellent, is simply the backdrop for a much more interesting story.

One Hot Tamale

In the Tri-Cities area we've seen several Mexican restaurants that advertise "mission style burritos." What? What is that? Here's what I think it means...

keep reading...

Latest Endeavor

"I am a cult of one... I'd never have to deal with lackeys or meetings or anything. It's like the lazy man's cult..."

Chats with Valette produce the most interesting ideas.

Plaid Fest of '56

That's like two and a half weeks worth a plaid.

There are lots more old advertisements at emphemeranow.

Chanting Your Way to a Bleaker Existence

The cynic's mantra: "If you get your hopes up, you will only be disappointed." Repeat as necessary to maintain a realistic outlook on life.

Top Ads

Caught on Security Camera
Introduction of the Macintosh
The Answer is Aaron Burr

Check out the other Top 10 Ads of All Time

Safariventure

For a little light amusement, cruise on over to the latest Strongbad e-mail for a good time. The best part is the Safariventure tour so wait for it.

Beam Me Up

Would you like to own a Star Trek: The Next Generation apartment? You can find anything on eBay.

// my personal research assistant: toren //

Extreme Makeover

Before leaving my last job I decided to give the staff a makeover. The only person that actually looks anything like their original selves is Terrell (and sometimes me). Click on my mug to see the entire gang.

Spotted Mule

We just passed Spotted Mule Auto & Truck Sales. Spotted Mule? So why not just call yourself the Blemished Ass?

ppi

Pixel art for the tactile learners among us. I totally want a set.

// my personal research assistant: valette //

Jr. High Innuendos

There are everyday words which can have obvious sexual connotation. Words such as hard, long, and wet (makes me giggle just typing them). Then there are words that would seem perfectly harmless to an average person, but would be construed in sexual ways by jr. high boys... and people who think like them. My sister, her husband, and I spent most of the afternoon on Sunday listing mundane words which could sound sexual. Here are a just few of them:

tight, hot, moisture, kitten, firm, knob, tip, peak, mound, flesh, squeal, lubricate, bind, tongue, push, red, bulge, rub, fill, explode, rod, staff, lick, melon, round, damp, flower, jerk, gazelle, sticky, gooey, lips, mount, top, bite, position, entrance, bounce, in, mambo, pop, edible, button, ram, whack, poke, swing, nibble, rubber, wiggle, slip, throat, and engorge (my personal favorite).

You might be surprised at how many sexual innuendos we could find in everyday conversation. I know that I should be ashamed, but, hey, the average person only has a handful of words that relate to sex; I have a whole dictionary full of them!

True Confessions: In a particularly low part of my youth, my best friend and I used to sit in church and find sexual innuendos in the hymn titles. It's not like we were just doing this during the singing either. We passed many a dull sermon that way until the explosive laughter—which we tried to pass off as coughing fits—earned us special seats next to my parents. How I avoided a lightning bolt with that little venture I'll never know.

Suck on This

Here's a little something to tide you over. Get laid. Get off. Get laid-off.

Mommy Rules

"I'm in favor of the death penality for murder, attempted murder, rape...and having sex in the house if you're someone's mother."
– a character in Transmetropolitan #41 by Warren Ellis

Easy Penetration

How's that for a sales pitch?

Drinking Tips

How to be a good drunk.

Life Uncensored

The Truth in Advertising

via Valette

Video Game Anthology

Strongbad sure has some pretty cool games.

Bloody Brilliant

More is brilliant, artistic, and definitely worth the academy award nomination it received. It's a big file, but is worth the download time.

Thanks Valette for insisting that I watch it.

Mr. Picasso Head

With another artistic way to waste your time, Mr. Picasso Head is great fun. Create like the master painter himself.

The interface is really easy to follow and lots of fun. I like that you can size, rotate, layer stuff, and chose from the whole palette of colors. Make your own disturbingly surreal head and have some fun.

Rhapsodic featured this some time ago. I'm just now getting around to it.

Hero Machine

Ugo.com features reviews of games, movies, music, comics and more. They also feature a very complex Hero Machine. It's kinda like dressing up your dollies, but with a lot more options (and less pointing and laughing by your friends). You can create superheroes, fantasy characters, and sports stars. Give this one a mowhawk, that one a flaming torch, and don't forget the full body spandex suit. Choose the eyes, hair, skin, belt, boots, insignia, sidekick, etc. It's loads of fun.

Some of the stuff is really ugly looking, but most of it really looks great. My biggest frustration was with the limited, if not hideous, color palette. The interface it pretty smooth and it provided me with hours of enjoyment. My first two creations are what you see here. Click on them to see the full version.

Feeling Useful

Why did God put men on the earth?
Because a vibrator can't mow the lawn.

I Don't Want to Know Your Name

promoting good morals across the globe:
bang, bang, bang

Desperate Amusement

Ghetto Delta: white ass ebonic advertising

Backstreet Boys: they want it "that way"

No Job: "The fact that I was seriously considered volunteering, made me feel better about not volunteering."

Dress-Up

If you've got a hankerin' to dress and undress a manly stud, but just can't wait to get home... I've found just the stud for you.

Enjoy with Cat am I

Let them sing it for you is kinda like magnetic poetry using song snippets. The word database is really limited at the moment which makes the fun that much more creative.

Matrix Reheated

Here's a cliff notes version of the Matrix Reloaded.

Hi-Tech Stick Figures

little dots; lots of character

Coming Out

"I used to be a coffeemaker trapped inside of a computer's casing."

Deedly Deedly DEEEEEEH

Check out the musical stylings of Strongbad.

Handle With Care

There are even more creative slogans where that came from.

Unapologetic Favorites

Matrix styled Ping-Pong
weeee! gonads and strife
I'm a cow
just 5 More Minutes
trogdor the burninator

Do you have any favorites you think I should add to my list??

this list is mainly to facilitate me downloading these great gems to my hard drive. still, enjoy at will.

Special

"Were both your parents retarded? Because you seem like a special girl to me."
-- Nerve's Pickup Line Contest

via steveo

Hee, Hee

What an Asian man does with his short little needle.

Matrix Comics

If the three movies, the nine short animations, and the video game just weren't quite enough for you, now you can add some 30 online comics to the list.

There are some genuinely brilliant comics in this lot that give even more insight into this cult-like dogma we call The Matrix.

Animated JPG?

See the world's first "animated" jpg while permanently screwing up your vision. Instructions: stare.

Seasame Street Fever

Listen to the 70's version of Rubber Duckie. Groove city baby. There's even more great Sesame Street Disco at SesameSeventies. Was all disco this long and drawn out or is it just these Sesame Street songs? Perhaps the excess of music is so that Big Bird could cut a rug and Grover could get down with his bad self.

Puppet People

That's just disturbing.

If anyone ever stuffs me and sticks their hand up my ass, I want them shot.

Weebl

ah eh eebl n es is bah...

This would have been a lot better if they stopped after the first scene (it just gets pathetic after awhile). Still I'm highly amused by the first part and declare it worth your time.

Playthings

keep reading...

Paper Dolls

Downloadable paper models to be made at home. I haven't made one yet, but it looks fun.

Missing Link

from HowStrange