August 2006

Because I'm Crazy Like That

Heroine was my gateway drug. That quickly progressed to an even stronger addiction to rehab centers and now they dictate my life. I went to A.A. and CoDa and several other well-meaning groups to break the hold this addiction has over me. Sure I've gotten tons of attendance awards and have been lauded for being free of pot, but oddly enough the addiction is as strong as ever. What do I do? - Rehab Junkie in Petaluma

That'll Be Ruling Out the Face Shots

Something to add to my list of questions to a model before signing them up for a photo shoot:

"Do you currently or have you at any time in the past utilized a facial expression?"

The Adventures of Online Dating

"Hey boi! I am looking for a male slave(s) to train to serve ME. VERY interested in slave training you..."

I hate when my schedule, location, values, independence and self-respect won't allow me to take advantage of such amazing offers.

Size Queen

I spent the weekend in San Francisco again. I'm loving spending time in the big city. For some reason spending time in the little city just doesn't cut it for my ravenous social appetite these days. So now to find a way to pay for $1,000/mo double-wide cardboard box and I should be set for moving there.

It's All in the Drape

Yesterday I went to a thrift store and picked up some items that had interesting fabrics for me to use in photo shoots. $7.50 for 4 items of rick textures and colors. Sure some of them are curtains and what have you, but by the time I've draped a naked man across it, no one will even notice.

We Can Rebuild It

Posturepedic

Living for the Weekends

It was so awesome to spend the weekend in San Francisco. In spite of the balmy 50° fog soaked weather, the city was lacking the workplace where firing people is like throwing darts on a dart board, making it practically heavenly.

99 Bottles of Beer on the Wall...

It's Like Glee in a Bottle

This place is just the bestest place to work. Everyday I'm flooded with reasons to love this job and to have every confidence that I'll still the job tomorrow. Never is there a worry that my head will be on the chopping block or that the powers that be will make some random decision to hinder my ability to accomplish the given tasks. Their recent mandate for everyone to cut back to 36hrs/wk is simply their concern for how much personal time we have to focus on the things that really matter in life: like how to pay our bills.

No Paparazzi

My friend Lou during Bingo at Lazy Bear Weekend

Theory of Relativity

I tried out a new church in Tracy yesterday. They hold Sunday services at a local high school. After parking, I noticed there were no signs providing directions so I gravitated toward the door with the most people lingering about and from where the energetic music was coming. I was impressed to see so many youth involved in handing out orders of service and such. I was even more impressed to see a rock band set up on stage. Wow, maybe I actually found a progressive church right here in Tracy.

As the service begun I realized that there were very few adults in the room. I push away the nagging fears that I may indeed be the oldest person in the room. Whatever, the music was great and I was enjoying the service. About half way through one of the leaders made some comment about the "adults meeting down the hall" and suddenly my suspicions were confirmed: I'd stumbled into the land of pimples and merciless fashion rules. Rather than running from the room inciting comments like "wow, I didn't know the elderly could move so quickly," I decided to stay and continue enjoying the service. I enjoyed the sermon even more than the music and was pleased to have stayed.

Next time I'll try the adult service, but if they're too stuffy I may have to sneak my way back in with the youth. That is, assuming they haven't installed a geriatric detector after this recent incursion.

Not That I'm Keeping Track

9 people have been fired from my workplace in the last 2 weeks. None were given notice or severance. Most remaining employees were forced to cut back hours. The phrase "unstable work environment" comes to mind.

Open

The Sisters

The Russian River order of the Sisters of Perpetual Indulgence and a few members from other orders were gracious enough to lead a fundraising bingo event during the Lazy Bear Weekend. Here are a few of those humble servants:

Sister Barbi Mitzvah emceed Bingo during Lazy Bear Weekend sporting the latest in Jewish fashion. Word of warning: don't cross Sister Barbi or she'll gleefully dream up some form of "additional fundraising" which will most likely involve dropping your drawers in front of the entire room and letting some "friend" with money take a paddle to your ass. Sister Barbi has been called a bit on the crazy side, but for the life of me I couldn't tell you why.

Sister Frances A. Sissy and Sister Sparkle Plenty were the life of the party and made sure all the diligent bingo players were sticking to the rules. Their sweet demeanors would swiftly carry their feet to Sister Barbi if anyone might almost nearly not quite follow an unwritten rule.

Sister Lily White Superior Posterior glowed with calmness and grace when she "pulled balls" (this is Bingo after all) with Sister Uma Gawd who was unavailable for a photo at the time of press.

I was shocked to learn that Sister Nova Nilla and Sister Jezabelle were indeed men in drag. They make such convincing women after all. Donna Matrix, on the other hand, was caught getting into the red markers again. And here I thought those were secured with a "queer proof" cap.

Sister Ida Claire, Father Nealan B. Blest and many others from the order were there making this sanctimonious event a true blessing for all.

Carpe Away

At Lazy Bear I was completely disappointed with the lack of grabbing my ass that went on. I mean, what's with that? I've had this problem at other events as well in spite of my "HEY THERE, LOOK AT ME!!!" tendencies (I did earn the nickname of "Gecko Boy" at the event... some of you will know what that means). It's not like guys aren't checking me out and they certainly seem to be interested.

After much discussion on the topic, I've determined that some people might actually see more to me than my chiseled physique and strikingly handsome features (as Madonna may say: Because I'm livin' in a delusional world and I am a delusional girl). I mean to say, they might actually have respect for me or something. Well, naturally I'm appalled and offended at the very thought and must find a way to remedy this gross injustice. To that end I'm going to start wearing a sign that says "Carpe Ass-um."

Lazy My Ass

I got back from Lazy Bear Weekend yesterday. For an event that had the word "lazy" in it, I sure did an awful lot of walking around. And, of course, all the sunning by the pool was simply exhausting, not to mention playing bingo with the Sisters of Perpetual Indulgence, standing around a bonfire and all that dancing every night with legions of hot, sweaty men. Yeah, I know, it's always work, work, work with me.

Must Be Talking About Someone Else

Being a sucker for any sort of personality test, I decided to take the Global 3 advanced personality test this morning instead doing some actual work (ok, stop sniggering... I do work sometimes.. sorta). This test said that I worry too much, that I talk too much and that I obsess too much. I guess all personality tests can't be accurate...

Drink Up the Sun

Looking for Resort Ken

Wed night through Sunday I'll be in a retreat in Guerneville, CA (Lazy Bear). I'll be sleeping in a tent at night though don't think I've gone all butch or nothing (because I know that was your first thought). I'll be "camping" along with 179 other campers in the back lot of a hotel that's a few minutes from this small resort town. Btw, this back lot actually only technically holds 120 campers...

In packing for this grand adventure I had to put together my poolside outfit, my going out dancing outfit, my hiking outfit and, of course, my "I just threw this on, but don't I look hot?" outfit. Resort Barbie ain't got nothing on me.