September 2005

Security Warning

This lovely little car of ours is very secure. We're talking high level security here. So high, in fact, that whether I can actually get in the thing depends on the celestial variance brought on by the exact alignment of the moon with the rain clouds hovering over top the vehicle.

If I try to open the car with the key the alarm goes off. Key: bad. Little push button unlocker: good. And by alarm we're not just talking about any ol' "beep, beep" here. It's an all out bring on the air national guard series of varying alarms guaranteed to make you soil yourself (the dry cleaning bill alone is killing me).

Try to open the trunk before you've unlocked the car: alarm. Leaving the car unlocked for 2 minutes without putting the key in the ignition makes the car lock itself again so if you have the trunk open, say for something crazy like loading groceries, the alarm goes off when you finally close the trunk.

And heaven forbid that you should be extra safe and push the lock button twice when leaving the thing. Lordy be it doesn't like that. Bells, whistles and an entire brass band of alarms.

What's extra special is that the remote has a range of about 3.35 feet and it doesn't activate if you push the button too quickly. But whatever the freak you do, for the love of all that is sacred, never EVER push the lock button twice. Trust me on this one. You don't want to do it. And even more importantly your neighbors don't want you to do it when you get home from dancing at 2am.

Fortunately the resounding alarm can be turned off with a push of a button... or so I'm told. One push of the unlock button didn't do it. Twelve pushes didn't do it either. Rapidly trying every button combination known to man (and a few known only to left handed martians) didn't do it either. Apparently it requires standing on one foot while yodeling the national anthem backwards and pressing the unlock button very slowly from outside the vehicle at an exact right angle to the carburetor's left nut.

All this and I have yet to try the panic button. I sooooo don't want to know what that button does.

I Think He Likes It

Regarding the recipe of the week: according to Curt, "this is the best thing I've eaten in at least 5 years." And after two helpings of leftovers from the boy who never eats leftovers, he was caught scraping out the bottom of the tupperware like a rabid dog.

Recipe for Bliss

I just have six words for you: Grilled Ribbons of Thai-Style Steak.

Scottie Don't

"Glad to know we are sprekenzy the same lingily."

Parched

In Laguna Beach, CA

The Irony

Our honeymoon apartment in Laguna Beach, CA

Balzac

Valette: how'd you like to have the outer skin of your ball sack surgically removed?
Damon: Gee, let me think...
Valette: ...?
Damon: The jury says no on that one. It was unanimous.

Cirque Eloize's Rain

Rain on stage. Water and crap right there on stage. Like wet stuff in an honest to God theatre. There's really only one response fitting for something like that:

Dude

Cellular Degradation

Looky, looky at my new toy. It's a cell phone that folds out into a qwerty keyboard. It's a phone, calendar, planner, to-do list, note keeper, e-mail device, camera, video camera... I'm pretty sure there's a ginsu knife feature, but I haven't quite found it yet. With this handy device and the bluetooth headset I also purchased, I'm ready to tackle the high-paced business world. If only the high-paced business world were ready for me.

Jingo

I've been listening to the audio book version of Jingo by Terry Pratchett read by Nigel Planner. The books is hysterical and brilliantly performed. I've also listened to Guards! Guards! and Feet of Clay and have come to thoroughly love Pratchett's dry, sarcastic humor. It's based in a fictitious old world setting with humans, trolls, werewolfs, etc. but is far from fanciful with it's rough edged existence and truly daft characters. Satirical British humor and some great mystery make Pratchett's Discworld series a lot of fun. Here are a few quotes from Jingo:

"One of the universal rules of happiness is: always be wary of any helpful item that weighs less than its operating manual."

"Give a man a fire and he's warm for a day, but set fire to him and he's warm for the rest of his life."

"[...] Vimes's grin was as funny as the one that moves very fast towards drowning men. And has a fin on top."

"Sergeant Colon had had a broad education. He'd been to the School of My Dad Always Said, the College of It Stands To Reason, and was now a post-graduate student of the University of What Some Bloke In The Pub Told Me."

Cartaholic

After a few too many carmel mocha frappacinos

Positively Glowing Reviews

In Laguna Beach, CA

Hit and Run

My temp job ended Friday and I couldn't be more happy. I mean a guy can only expect to be all mature and self-actualizing for so long before he's just gotta break down and say: truckers are sissies and warehouses are for numbnuts. If one is smart, one will be very far away from said truckers and warehouse before one says such a thing...

Gluton for Punishment

There's a guy covering in our department at the temp job this morning. From the moment I got here he's been talking about how hungry he is and brainstorming the list of foods he'd like to eat. Every five minutes comes another plea for someone to go get some food. I swear this guy is a food-aholic or something. Shut up already about the food! Finally the person training me left at 11am to get lunch because this guy simply couldn't wait any longer. Whatever. I can't wait to see what's on the bitch menu for afternoon snacks.

As I Always Say

"slather lotion like a lizard carnival"

Respecting the Middle Man

While I'm ashamed to admit it, I've always assumed that people who worked in warehouses were dull, lacking in skills and lacking in ambition. This temp job has brought me in contact with some very interesting people who work extremely hard utlizing skills that are beyond me. I've come to respect these people and will no longer mock them under my breath as I pass them in the lunch room... unless, of course, that supervisor is still wearing that now 4-day-old yellow and blue herribone polo shirt with that neon green hard hat. I mean, how many days can you get out of one disgusting outfit? I'm all for respecting the warehouse worker, but a guy's gotta have some moral loop holes or he'll just go mad.

Smooth

"The security guys are checking the length of your reefer. Don't worry about it. It's a standard screening."

I had no idea I worked at such a progressive shipping company...

76 Breathless Nights Led the Big Parade

Friday night opened a community theatre production of The Music Man in which Curt played, Harold Hill, the leading man. This is a major feat not just because of the annoyingly low-rent production mentality he's had to endure, but because of the fact that Curt's been fighting severe bronchitis for weeks now. He can't sleep through the night without coughing up his large intenstines, but he's found a way to make it through the show in full voice and with a smile on his face. The latter is particularly impressive when you consider that he's doing his little dance numbers with a cracked rib. How'd he crack it? Coughing so much. No lie. The dude's a mess, but he still pulled off a smooth, seemingly effortless performance. He's either a loyal martyr to whom we all should aspire or he's just plain stupid. Either way he was brilliant on stage.

Forgotten Opportunity

Schlemiel Schlamazel

I started a temp job on Wednesday. My first temp job ever. It's a thrilling job of data entry and various other low-man-on-the-totem-pole clerical duties at a food shipping warehouse. Even though it doesn't even scratch the surface of a fulfilling career I'm actually enjoying seeing an industry that's completely foreign to me. The major upside is that it pays well and I don't really have to think. Besides, It's good to be making a bit of money while I wait for my winning lottery ticket to materialize...

Sunfloweresque

A small flower in Golden Gate Park.

Blockage

At the BART station in Dublin/Pleasanton.

I'm a Big Kid Now

I ventured into San Francisco yesterday all by my lonesome. This involved a drive, a long train ride and then another train around the city. All in all, about an hour and a half trip each way. I made it without getting lost, getting mugged or getting hit on by Bruno the drag queen.

Sadly the trip ended up being all about the trip. What I mean is that I didn't see anything overly blog worthy or thrilling. What I saw of Golden Gate Park would have been refreshing if I hadn't just come from the vast outdoors of Alaska and the shopping in Union Square didn't have the charm I was wanting. Still, the whole idea was just to see if I could successfully get into the city. So: mission accomplished.

You Didn't Hear It From Me

Is the representative at an employment agency supposed to tell me that I am wasting my time? Is she supposed to tell me that while she could help me, perhaps I'd rather work in a hotel or at a restaurant? Is she supposed to be completely wasted when she tells me all of this information? Maybe I'm a bit jaded, but I didn't stay to find out what other tidbits of wisdom she might have to offer.

Run for Your Life

It is now completely legal for me to drive in the state of California.

Suckers.

Meaty

I had my first In & Out Burger yesterday. "I'd like two Double-Doubles with fries please." How many places can have only five items on the menu and still keep the drive-thru packed up like grandma Ethel when she's off her FiberCon?

If I'm making In & Out Burger sound like a 'thing' that's because I guess it is. It was certainly better than Burger Crack or McDrivles. The problem for me was a horrid realization that In & Out Burger was likely the inspiration for the Double Meat Palace in Buffy the Vampire Slayer. As I sat in the drive through I couldn't help but wonder if meat of the day was Hispanic or Caucasian.